When albino porn saved the day

I was thinking about weapons. I love weapons. They bring to mind incredible power at the press of a button (guns), or a flick of the wrist (knives), or a clench of the cooch (women). The AA12 (Atchisson Assault 12) automatic shotgun is our case in point. It fires shotgun rounds, rapid action. I hark back to my days as a 12 year old runt, thinking how powerful the shotgun in Doom was and telling my brother "imagine if they make an automatic shotgun". Military Police Systems, Incorporated - USA has made a child's dream come true. Now that's powerful right there.



Designation: MPS AA-12
Classification Type: Assault Combat Shotgun
Manufacturer: Military Police Systems, Incorporated - USA
Country of Origin: United States

But what's more powerful is capturing images of that stuff in slow motion. I'm talking about the Phantom V12.1 camera, capable of upto '1 million frames per second' at a resolution of 128 x 8. Of course they probably use it at a much lower speed, maybe 6,000 frames per second and much better resolution. I love slow motion man, cuz it looks like another world. The first slow motion cameramen were shamans (shamen?), figuratively speaking. Cuz they'd swallow peyote, psilocybin shrooms, and all manner of hallucinogens to slow down time and observe things like water dancing on a leaf, geckos licking their eyeballs and aphids lactating for ants. Slow-motion's like that. It's almost like wilfully experimenting with hallucinogens just to see what'll happen. That's how people should buy medicine. The drugs with the coolest side effects go into the shopping bag first. Time dilation is by far my favourite side effect. You go on a trip into a vibrating guitar string and while you're there u take a couple of days to fabricate your own pocket watch from the mouth parts of talking caterpillars. When you're back, only about 15 seconds of your earth time are up. So you go back some more. I call these trips 'brain droppings'. Cuz for 5 seconds no one can tell you're on the other side of the Universe petting a brontosaurus that looks like your dad.

Some OTC anti-psychotic medicines can cause all kinds of shit to happen. This one time, a friend of mine who we call Bits (cuz he speaks binary and has a computer for a girlfriend), got it into his head that he was bored out of his wits. So he started taking pills that cure multiple personality disorder. I don't know if these pills are the cure or the cause for mental illness, cuz he didn't have MPD initially. But he started experiencing time dilation and hallucinations where he'd travel back in time to another Universe and meet himself. The only difference was, his other self was a woman. This came about when, on one particularly heightened voyage, he spoke of experiencing extreme testicular shrinkage, increased nipple sensitivity and an urge to introspect. This was followed by a sudden return to normalcy and the equally sudden appearance of a woman bearing a striking resemblance to himself. Needless to say he ended up date-raping her. In his head anyway. I mean what the hell is that? Why would you rape your alternate Universe twin? We managed to get him back onto albino porn. The Internet saves lives. I am thankful to the internet for gratis porn but when i think back to my ancestors, I wonder what the hell they did back in the 18th century. There wasn't any porn, except for Khajuraho maybe, and the only place you could get laid for free was the army (more on that later). Even the ancient world must have had this problem. But you know, I bet the great library at Alexandria had a smut section. That Cleopatra was antsy. i bet most of the artifacts we find on archaeological digs that look like women, aren't "goddesses" or "fertility symbols". Those figurines were just attempts at capturing the image of nude babes so guys could have something to look at when they were hard up for intimacy. Porn is, any day, better than going back in time and date raping yourself. I bet most of the Renaissance emoters were just super talented horn dogs.

Sometimes I feel like I have no control on anything. I may have involuntary control over my pupils right now, but this control is transitory. All control is transitory. Control is an illusion. In my honest opinion, the only character i know who was in complete control at all times was Bugs Bunny. That guy could not be fucked with at all. Except that one time when he landed on the moon and panicked for like 2 seconds cuz he was alone on the moon. That doesn't count. Fuck you.

Le Roi, mesdames et messieurs: