Pets 'n peeves

Hi and bro-pologies for the delay in updating this Saw'mBitch blog. I have been crowdefucked with work and other matters of bastardly import. Nevertheless I aim to be your content provider for the next 5 to 10 to 15 minutes, depending on your need for read speed.

First, we talk about animals. Pets to be specific. The last time i had a pet was 92. Not my weight, the year 1992. I weigh 95, which is ok cuz of my huge Genus. He was a cat and his name was Garfield, but he wasn't orange and fat, he was grey and white and awesome. We found him curled up behind the entrance to a neighbour's building. He was a tiny little guy but he had a fighting spirit like no other cat i knew. Plus he was very friendly with his homes (me). I felt a strange kinship with this guy. We knew he was a guy cuz he had swonnicles. Swonnicles are different from regular gonads in that they cannot be kicked. That's cuz they aren't externally visible to the untrained eye. I tried explaining this concept to my family who kept treating him like a girl cat, but they just smiled and told me to "put your damn pants back on". Of course he's dead now. I couldn't harvest his skull. A cat skull is rather splendid. In a Mordoric way. The most evil thing I have ever seen is a femme dong. Being a gentleman I said nothing and proceeded to feel sorry for myself.

One for me, and one for my homes


Today we also discuss auto-fellatio techniques. Not. Let's leave that to canines and felines. What we will discuss today is people in our lives who got really REALLY fucked up by engaging in phenomenally unwarranted acts of idiocy, thereby damning themselves to lives of eternal suffering.

Take the example of my friend from school. Here was a lad who contracted an addiction to eating paper and one day instead of the standard issue foolscap sheets, he ended up eating acid-treated cardboard. He got raging appendicitis and a blocked duodenum. Completely fucked 'im up. But he went one better, the acid in the cardboard irritated his kidneys, both of which promptly told the rest of his body organs to fuck off by ceasing to function properly. This caused severe blood acidosis. Sir, there is high level of acidity in his blood and his kidneys are malfunctioning. Shall we proceed with treatment? No doctor, let him die like a small dog. Of course Yes you idiots. Luckily the doctors knew what to do. This was the first time I saw the real magic of medicine. This was also the first time I saw an Eno I.V. bottle. His skin began ripping open and his hair started looking like vermicelli. When the doctors were finished with him he looked like the bad guy from the movie Hannibal.

The bad guy who gets eaten by wild pigs in Hannibal

I don't think he looks like this anymore though. His face cleared up and his hair grew back. The smile is the same though. Was like that even before he started eating paper.


Moving on, another guy from the same class drank a bottle of bugspray to kill himself. The reason he wanted to kill himself was because he got caught with porno VHS cassettes in his bag in class. His parents got called to school and they sorted his shit out. But no, the shame of being caught with porn drove this man to consume a bottle of Baygon. He said it tasted strong. His exact words were "It tastes like a burning heat". Here's what Baygon boy looks like:

Minku, the immortal

They rushed the idiot to a hospital and had his stomach pumped. He now works, believe it or fuck you, as a successful general insurance salesman. Shit, has his own franchisee business and everything. I kid you the fuck not. Met him a few weeks ago and asked him if he thought it ironic that a suicidal egomaniac like him was selling general insurance. He threw a car registration book at me. I replied by telling him he should take up stunt racing his Kawasaki if he was really serious.

A small price to pay for awesome immortality


But I wasn't too happy about him mouthing off at me. So I told him to fuck off:

Vital organ failure is the Universe's way of telling you to fuck off and stop being an asshole


Dangerous looking things aren't always dangerous. Though they definitely have the potential to be so. Case in point: Look at this magnificent beast

Wendy, the Whippet

She's a gentle thing, look at her eyes. She's like, hello, my name is Wendy and i eat raw meat. This is how i look on a good day. I don't work out but I am double muscled. I'd like to think i'm awesome. Maybe some day I'll have little babies. If you come near them i will rip out your tonsils for them to play with. Cuz i can.

That's Potential.

Now look at this specimen:

Garth's dog 'Girl' from Wayne's World

She's a gentle beast too. Probably eats raw meat when necessary. But would/could she rip your tonsils out? I don't think so. Look at her hair. She's a lover not a fighter.

I miss the good old days when humiliation was seen as a tool for motivating slow learners. Not. But seriously, putting a dunce cap (fool's cap) on a child and making him/her sit on a high stool in front of the whole class would probably be enough to make the child pull up their socks to avoid that kind of shame again, no? I think so. Humiliation is a powerful tool. Isn't that what life is about anyway? It can knock you down, make fun of you, but then you get the fuck back up and keep fighting on. Or you drink a glass of baygon.

Terrible effect of Baygon on Minku

¡Vámonos! (¡I love that upside down exclamation point!)