Buttcheeks and first kisses

Been on the road a while. The last 2 weeks actually. Know what i learned about being on the road? Don't fucking read anything in the car. Ever. Makes you throw up like japanese porn. I hate car-sickness. Oh how I hate it. I also hate bus-sickness that is brought on by diesel fumes and shakes. My mum always told me to think of the smell of lemons to dispel the pukemon. It worked for about 2 seconds. Then i went back to sunshine and farts.



Speaking of throwing up, I've had the pleasure of living through my first near-death experience courtesy the viral offices of Hepatitis A. The nurses were nice enough, and helped me heal back to entry-level gutterworth. I've had to rapacious myself in ever increasing awesomeness to become epic once again. Experiencing deathly weakness and the inability to hold down any sort of sustenance had almost totally decimated my sinews. I am grateful to Saline, albumin, vitamin B-complex and Matron. I may not be as cunty cuz i'm still getting my wood back. But bastard.



Once when i was 9 I sat down on the pavement outside my house. Ever notice how sometimes really hot pavement feels like ice on your ass? It's so hot that your ass nerves get overwhelmed like when you touch dry ice to your face. ass to face. Yea, felt that. Got up almost immediately, ran back indoors and washed my butt with ball-scaldingly cold water. Made things much worse cuz the capillaries on my buttskin exploded. Had to sit down on a cushion for a week cuz of my cheeks.




Speaking of cheeks, let's hear about the first girl i ever kissed. This was back in '88. I was 8 years old and studied in an all-boys school. To make things interesting we had an all-girls school right next door. Not that i had any fucking ideas. Read the previous 2 sentences again. What i did have was a penchant for fishing earthworms out of the soil at the back of our school. I'd get about 25 of them in one hand, slimy little fucks, walk up to unassuming girls who'd walk into our school to play in our yard, and frighten the chums out of them. Look i didn't throw the worms at them or anything i'd just stick my hand out, ok? Fuck! They even complained to my mother after i did it for the 25th time:

Hagling 1: "Aunty he is showing us those worms again, tell him no aunty"
Mother: "Bittu, don't ever harass these girls again. If you do, I'll beat the living shit out of you and make you eat it".
Me: Ok mama :) sorry :) (*hellish anger simmering beneath my little boy face*)
Hagling 2: Aunty thank you, we didn't mean to trouble you
Mother: Ok bye

So my mother pined for a daughter. But of course. I knew mother wasn't interested in helping me rid our playground of this puerile pox and I knew that I could just not leave this alone. Either way I had to have my fucking revenge. Those beady eyed wenches thought they had had the last laugh. The very next day I began collecting my tapeworm vectors starting at lunchtime and continued at 4:30 pm after school had ended. Soon enough it was 5 pm. Having amassed about a million of them in my lunch box which I had gently lined with wet earth, I proceeded towards a gaggle of hags i'd just spotted playing handball in OUR football ground.

This is where my plans turned into exact shit. Lunch box in hand, I walked over to one of the worm-tongued kinderdykes who'd whispered her way into my mother's good books and i asked her if she'd like some sweets. Maybe my voice was shaky or something but she immediately realized I was of bastardly intent and proceeded to threaten me with carrying tales to her liege lord, my mother. I immediately began amassing rectal bricks and asked her not to, telling her that my mother would burn me with matches. She took pity on me and said that i'd have to say sorry and never fuck around again. I fucking said sorry and swallowed all my macho bullshit. Tasted worse than shit. She made me empty all the worms outta my lunch box and told me to come with her. She was walking towards where my mum would hang out when she came to pick us up from school. I realized that this just might be the last mile for me. Disobeying a direct order from mother in our house was akin to farting in the Pope's lunch. There was just no going back from the demonic beating that awaited you. We walked behind a tree and then this hag got real playful and told me to turn around and close my eyes. I knew she probably wanted to kick my asshole in. I waited and after about 3 seconds i felt two grubby hands pull my cheeks (face) down and a pair of wet, sloppy lips kissed me straight on the fucking mouth. She ran off laughing. Never saw her again. I spat out and was mostly silent. I'd just been taken advantage of. Felt terrible.

I felt like a Caucasian mountain dog that'd just gotten raped by a chihuahua. I wanted to rape my own face for being so fucking stupid. But I did learn my lesson: Bad luck is the Universe's way of telling you to stop being an asshole.



I never did understand how girls mature so much faster than boys. By the age of 11, girls for the most part attain a degree of poise and street-smarts in dealing with situations that most boys develop somewhere around the ages of 50 to 70. I've seen it happen. Maybe it's because girls introspect a lot of the time and think 10 steps ahead, while most guys think about what kind of beer goes best with KFC.



Lunchtime fuckers. Lunch. time.