Erotic Epistaxis & Banshee Bath-time

Had an odd experience the other day. While getting my bi-weekly hoggins from my nubile nob-gobbler I did what came naturally and tried a new position. This involved me being somewhat upside down and, apart from the actual perversion, i was getting a thorough workout. Not easy doing the dirty upside-down, kind of takes it out of you (sic). But coming back to the point, the odd thing that happened was that when i cleared the custard (with great vigour and potency mind you) I felt my nose start running. Strange, as i didn't have a cold. I rubbed my nose clean and when i stood up, m'lady of grace and ravishment took one look at my face and let out a startled shriek. Turns out i was bleeding from my nose.



I didn't pass out or anything, but i did feel a bit odd. The bleeding stopped after about 15 minutes. On to the doctor's we went. The doc began asking me all kinds of questions, and i answered them with the honesty becoming of a mexican mafia torture victim. I told him what we'd been upto and what position i was in, when suddenly he smiled and told me that I'd had an episode of Epistaxis. Or Nosebleeds.

I said yes, that's why i came in. Turns out being upside down had increased the blood pressure in my head, next thing you know my nose blood vessels couldn't take it and they ruptured. Here's where it went downhill:

Doc: Stop doing things like this, improve your cardiovascular health before attempting athletic sex.

Me: I can't help it doctor, the thing is my girl ties me up when i sleep after round 1 and when i wake up i find her ravishing me again. Today it was upside down.

Doc: -long pause- Ok, *closes eyes and rubs forehead*, tell your girlfriend that if she continues this, you could burst a vessel in both your eyes and go blind.

Me: *dick rapidly shortening* Ok, i'll make sure this doesn't happen again.

He gave me a prescription for some medicine that would help with the nosebleed and told me to start getting some exercise. Not cuz i'm fat, but because my body should be "more used to physical activity at your age". He also told me not to get busy for another couple of days. I told him i'd send her back to her mother's. We both laughed and oinked in a moment of mild chauvinism, and then i left.

That was a week ago. The bleeding has stopped but she's on the rag so i'm bat-boy again. Daredevil shall return.



Chauvinism: Opening the door for a woman, but not letting her go in first.

I also found out the difference between venom and poison. Poison can kill you if you swallow it. Venom is only lethal if it is directly into your bloodstream. Reminds me of this guy i knew once who had a fondness for hookahs (no, not hookers), and replaced his hookah water with diluted scotch. They had to rush him to the emergency room, apparently his blood alcohol level had dangerously sky rocketed. Apparently alcohol vapour had directly passed into his blood stream through his lungs. He got out the next day and laughed at us when we asked him about it. He said "you're not able smoke scotch maaaan". I said "yes".



The best part about working from home is never having to commute to work and back. Saves you time getting ready, money, laundry, plus you get an extra couple of hours to do your work every day. The downside is you tend to avoid bathing at a fixed time every day. Sometimes you might even skip a day. I mean come on, you don't really sweat indoors. And besides i clean up good when necessary. I had a friend once who told me that when they'd run out of bath water at his hostel, the guys would just use rubbing alcohol (spirit as he called it) all over themselves and that was their bath. I asked him, even on the cobblers? He said, yes. It made a man out of him. Dried up his skin like a banshee in the Sahara. Sahara cuz he had dried skin. Banshee cuz he was puberphonic.



Women on the rag always confuse me. Primarily because you never can tell what might piss them off. One day they can't stand what you're wearing, they'll crib about it for an hour and then they'll tell you to fuck off. So you keep your mouth shut to make sure things stay calm. The next minute they're weeping because you're not being comforting or supportive. I would be comforting if I didn't stand the risk of having my head bitten off for getting too close on a bad day. A guy just can't win during that week. But most other days, just getting them a flower or making something as simple as a personalized card or a mindless gift gives me +9001 brownie points. Also, personal poon time. Ah women, you so crazy.